i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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