There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
