dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He has the fingertips of a God
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
