I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
