We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
