Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
