So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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