There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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