happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
