I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
