cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
