Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
