My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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