So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
