Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize