I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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