Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize