I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
