At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I will pee on everything he values.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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