i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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