just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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