I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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