Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
