seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
