Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
