hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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