i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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