the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
