But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize