she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
