I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Can I color on your dick again?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
