You smell like a Billy Joel song
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
