wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
