I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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