Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
All I want is dick and wine.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
