did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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