i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
