i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
