i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
