I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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