So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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