I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
