It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
