I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
