WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
