Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
