Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
