You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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