im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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