Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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