ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
