Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
