The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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