I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
