I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
this boner is exhausting
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
