I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She told me I should be a condom model.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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