These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You made out with two different species that night
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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