toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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