Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
