Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
